No Ovulation, Take 2

Well, my doctor's appointment today went as I had expected it to. We're pretty sure I didn't ovulate this month. And even if I did, my lining is so thin that nothing would be able to stick. The reason we aren't certain about ovulation is because of those cysts- it's just too hard to distinguish them from follicles. So I'll wait to start my period and call them when that happens to decide what we will do next round.

When I initially wrote this post, I was actually kind of happy about this news because we leave for Hawaii in three weeks and while I would have been SO happy to be pregnant, I am glad I can drink and have fun instead of being worried about being pregnant. But instead of posting right away, I saved it as a draft and decided to come back to it a little later. My feelings have completely changed about it all. I'm sad and frustrated, all over again. My heart hurts, all over again. I have a sick feeling that is so deep within myself, I don't know how to try to make it better. I think most of it is the fear that this will never happen, and it's all my fault. I really don't have any other words right now.

I just don't get it. And I know I never will.

Insurance Blessing!

We have had an awesome turn of events in the insurance department! Right now, I am on a high deductible health plan, and while it did cover the diagnostic part of our testing, it covers ZERO infertility treatments. So almost everything we have done, we have paid out of pocket. And everything we have left to do, we would pay out of pocket. Well, Terry's company was bought out by a company based in Illinois, and their insurance is through BCBS Illinois. IL law is different than TX law when it comes to coverage for infertility treatments: IL requires companies to cover it. SO, after hours of research, discussions with HR and my doctor's insurance person, etc... I am switching to Terry's plan. While it doesn't cover treatment 100%, it does pay 90% after we meet our deductible, and we pay 10%. And it even covers IVF, if we ever have to get that far. Just a tiny example of the money we will save: one vial of Follistim without insurance costs $291, and I used three vials last cycle. So we spent $873 on just the medicine alone. That doesn't include any of the doctor's visits or IUI. On my new plan, since fertility treatment is covered, I will pay a $30 copay per vial, so $90. Wow. Blessing.

You have no idea how much weight this lifts off of me. As if it isn't stressful enough to go through this, it makes things a zillion times worse when you have to spend the equivalent of a brand new Mercedes on your doctors visits. OK, that might be exaggeration, but it does cost a lot, and it's stressful. This is such a great relief.

Things I am thankful for: Answered prayers.

My Husband

I don't talk about him a lot in this blog, mainly because I am normally writing about my feelings and experiences. Not that he isn't a huge part of those, but I don't focus on anything outside of myself. But I needed to take a minute and talk about him. I am not one to brag or try to make someone they are not, and that is not the intention of this post. I wanted to share this so that I don't forget how lucky I am to be on this journey with him.

When T proposed, he had a long speech he gave me, and there are only a few parts of it that I remember clear as day. One thing he said was that he wanted to build a family with me, that is, if we were lucky enough to have children. He actually said that. I remember thinking at the time, that's weird. Of course we will have children. Little did I know what was ahead...

T has always been there for me. Through the crying fits after BFNs, through the analyzing of my symptoms, through the miscarriages, the failed treatments, through it all. This takes a toll on him just like it does on me. But he doesn't let me know that. He stays so strong for us, and always lets me know that no matter what, it's all going to be okay. He's made me dinners, drank wine with me, got me ice cream, brought me flowers and cards, and held me while I've cried... he's done so much to make my days better.

When I got home the day I found out the IUI didn't work, I was a basketcase. I had cried all day on the drop of a dime. I walked in the door to flowers, a card, two bottles of wine (one of which was a very fancy bottle that we got as a Christmas gift- we had been waiting for a special occasion to open it), and dinner started. These are the kinds of things that my husband does. And it makes me thank God every single day that T loves me. If I have to be on this journey, I couldn't even imagine it with anyone else except T. Love you boo.
 

Things I am thankful for: My husband.
 

IUI #1- FAILED

I am writing this from a place I had no idea existed. It's a place of sadness, worry, anger, tears, heartache, exhaustion, and fear. I cried myself to sleep last night. I cried all the way to the doctor's office today. I cried at the doctor's office. I cried when I left, and I am crying now. When will it ever stop? How much hope is someone supposed to continue to have? How long do you go before giving up? Why me? What did I do? What didn't I do? Will it ever happen for us? This isn't supposed to be this hard. Why can't I make T a father? Why can't I be a Mommy? These questions never end in my mind. And the worst part is, I have no idea what the answers are. I understand that God has a plan for us, and I trust that, but I can't help these questions from entering my mind.

Like I said in my last post, I knew I wasn't pregnant. But there was always that stupid word: hope. It gets me every time. All the stars had aligned: I had perfect lining, 4 great eggs, plenty of superman swimmers, we put them right where they needed to be. And not one made it. My beta was scheduled for this morning. Last week, I played out all the situations in my head. I played out the one where I show up this morning, give them my blood, and they call me this afternoon to say Congrats. I played the opposite where they told me nope, sorry, you're not pregnant. What I didn't play out was waking up this morning, having started my period, and instead of doing bloodwork, I have to explain to the front desk that I no longer need a pregnancy test done because I am clearly not pregnant, but that I need a sonogram done instead (to check for cysts and be cleared for a 2nd IUI this cycle). Then, only to have the sonogram done, finding two cysts, and therefore screwing us out of our chances for a 2nd IUI, or any medication for that matter. So we are forced into another natural cycle, which have worked so well in the past (sarcasm). And can you even get pregnant with cysts? I am sure that answer is no. We have to do a natural cycle in September as well because we are going to Hawaii and won't be able to go the doctor that whole week we are gone. So we will plan for IUI #2 in October. I will continue acupuncture and praying for direction and strength to continue moving forward and not give up.

Things I'm Thankful For: My husband, who no matter what mood swings I have, or crying tantrums I throw, is always there for me, hugging me and telling me that no matter what happens, we will be okay. My family, who continues to pray for us. My friends, who check in on me and have no idea how much that means. My puppies, who are my children, and will never know how much I love them and how much they make me laugh when I need it most.

Trying To Stay Positive

I just have to write this to make myself feel better, so I'll apologize now. I'm feeling a bit down, mainly because I am feeling completely normal. You are not supposed to rely on symptoms to try to judge if you're preggo or not, but I have always been a symptom spotter. Every little twinge or pain I feel, I categorize it as a pregnancy symptom or not. I should know by now that I shouldn't do that... the three times I have been pregnant, the symptoms were different each time. The first time my boobs were going to fall off  from about 3 DPO until we miscarried. The second time my boobs were tender, but not as bad as the first time, and I had horrible heart burn and was so nauseous. The last time, I didn't have any symptoms at all besides my normal PMS symptoms.

Since last week, I have had some major mood swings, and my boobs have been hurting since 1 DPO. This is a good thing, likely indicating a strong ovulation and therefore triggering a quick rise in progesterone (which is what causes a lot of your regular PMS symptoms). Of course, if you ovulate 4 mature eggs, I would expect that! :)

I am trying to stay positive, as it's still early to really feel or know anything yet, but I've always known when I was pregnant, and right now, I don't feel that way. :(

On a completely separate note, I added two tabs at the top... a timeline of our TTC history, and a glossary of all the acronyms I use. Hope it helps!

IUI... check!

We are done with our first IUI. I have to say, I sure hope it was the last. I did a lot of research about what it would feel like, would it hurt, what do they do, etc. I went into the IUI thinking it wouldn't hurt a bit and would be super easy. Well, I must be one of the randoms that doesn't get so lucky. It hurt. I kept thinking that labor is probably a million gagillion times worse than this and I need to suck it up, so of course I did. And Terry was right by my side, being amazing as always, which made things so much better. It's not like it was unbearable, but it did hurt. BUT I will take on any pain at this point to get to our goal. All the injections in my tummy, the shots in my hip, the ultrasounds, the IUI pain, not to mention the money... I don't care. It WILL be worth it.

So the plan for now is: I had acupuncture today, and was told to eat pineapples for the next 10 days as it's supposed to help with implantation. I also go back to the doctor on Friday for the "sticky" shot. It's a micro dose of hCG, which tricks your body into thinking your pregnant early, so it helps produce more of the good hormones that you need to support a pregnancy. After that, we wait!