I am writing this from a place I had no idea existed. It's a place of sadness, worry, anger, tears, heartache, exhaustion, and fear. I cried myself to sleep last night. I cried all the way to the doctor's office today. I cried at the doctor's office. I cried when I left, and I am crying now. When will it ever stop? How much hope is someone supposed to continue to have? How long do you go before giving up? Why me? What did I do? What didn't I do? Will it ever happen for us? This isn't supposed to be this hard. Why can't I make T a father? Why can't I be a Mommy? These questions never end in my mind. And the worst part is, I have no idea what the answers are. I understand that God has a plan for us, and I trust that, but I can't help these questions from entering my mind.
Like I said in my last post, I knew I wasn't pregnant. But there was always that stupid word: hope. It gets me every time. All the stars had aligned: I had perfect lining, 4 great eggs, plenty of superman swimmers, we put them right where they needed to be. And not one made it. My beta was scheduled for this morning. Last week, I played out all the situations in my head. I played out the one where I show up this morning, give them my blood, and they call me this afternoon to say Congrats. I played the opposite where they told me nope, sorry, you're not pregnant. What I didn't play out was waking up this morning, having started my period, and instead of doing bloodwork, I have to explain to the front desk that I no longer need a pregnancy test done because I am clearly not pregnant, but that I need a sonogram done instead (to check for cysts and be cleared for a 2nd IUI this cycle). Then, only to have the sonogram done, finding two cysts, and therefore screwing us out of our chances for a 2nd IUI, or any medication for that matter. So we are forced into another natural cycle, which have worked so well in the past (sarcasm). And can you even get pregnant with cysts? I am sure that answer is no. We have to do a natural cycle in September as well because we are going to Hawaii and won't be able to go the doctor that whole week we are gone. So we will plan for IUI #2 in October. I will continue acupuncture and praying for direction and strength to continue moving forward and not give up.
Things I'm Thankful For: My husband, who no matter what mood swings I have, or crying tantrums I throw, is always there for me, hugging me and telling me that no matter what happens, we will be okay. My family, who continues to pray for us. My friends, who check in on me and have no idea how much that means. My puppies, who are my children, and will never know how much I love them and how much they make me laugh when I need it most.
2 comments:
Lauren,
So weird I literally just logged into my work email bc im off this week and was typing you an email when this came through! My heart sank as I read your email. There are no words... There is no ryme or reason. I wish I had something super motivational to say. I know how you feel in a different way but I mean you feel lost and your hope runs thin. it is so hard to understand why this is happening and even when ppl say they are praying for you and thinking of you it doesnt fill that void or heal your pain. You are heavy on my mind and I will continue to pray for you, especially for hope and strength.
Xoxo
Jen
First, I have no words andI am heartbroken for you. Have no idea how devastating it must be to do ALL that work to be disappointed. Thank you for documenting it on this blog even though it is painful. I cried reading this because I can relate to your love for your husband. I also related to questioning God and His goodness. Enjoy your vacation and reconnecting. Try to remember your time together before the pain of infertility. Our men are supportive, but they don't always get how women feel about motherhood. I think men would get it more if they compared it to not getting a job. Finally, my dogs saved me. So much to be thankful for even though it is hard to see. Prayers going up for you.
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