I'm Back!

Wow! It's been almost 4 weeks since my last post, and I have to apologize for that. I've been so super busy with Christmas and birthdays and have tried to avoid thinking about our fertility issues. It's been wonderful. I also haven't updated because there really isn't anything new going on.

I guess the biggest thing happening is that my hysteroscopy is scheduled for January 11th. This procedure will allow Dr. P to go in and look at my uterus with a camera to check for growths or other issues that may be causing our difficulty getting pregnant and staying pregnant. Assuming all is well with this procedure, then once I start my period in mid January, we will start on the birth control pills and be on our way to our first IVF cycle.

Sometimes I think about quitting all of this. It's exhausting and I dread going through it all again. But I know I can't quit. So I'm going to put my big girl panties on and go for it.

On a separate note, while catching up on my blog feed yesterday, there were a couple of pregnancy announcements, and so many posts about you girls that are already pregnant and your doctor appointments are going great. Congrats to all... I continue to pray for you every day!

Confirmation

My HCG has dropped to 17, so it's confirmed that we are having our 4th miscarriage. 4 losses in 12 months. I have no idea what our next steps are. Right now I don't really care. I'm going back to my care free cycle. :)

Ummm, I'm Pregnant. But...

There is a .05% chance that it is a viable pregnancy. In my world of odds, that is not good news. I know you think I lied to you about the IUI failing, having my period, the spotting, but I didn't. Pinky swear. Nothing about this makes sense... it's pretty bizarre.

After all the spotting I had last week, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Friday night, totally expecting it to be negative. After all, I have no symptoms, and I had a period two weeks ago (a real period- it was super heavy- it absolutely was NOT implantation bleeding). But nope. That 2nd line showed up in about 2 seconds. WTH. After a minor freak out major meltdown, I decided to take two more on Saturday morning, just to make sure.

 

I'm sorry, WHAT? How is this possible? So I called Dr. P's on call nurse after taking those tests and they told me I needed to come in immediately. They did blood work, and Dr. P talked with us for a little while. There are lots of things that COULD have happened, and we likely won't ever know what actually happened. The most likely case is that the IUI did work, but we miscarried early, and this is just leftover HCG. Or there is the possibility that this is an ectopic pregnancy. After talking things over with Dr. P, we left with no real answers. Dr. P called me around 2 on Saturday with the results: HCG 59 (definitely pregnant), Progesterone 1.1 (yikes- that's too low). He told me to start taking my progesterone again, just in case. I asked him to be honest with me about what was happening, and he said he really didn't know, but he has seen a lot of things in his years of practicing. He told me to come back Monday morning for beta #2, so we had something to compare these numbers to.

Naturally, I took more tests throughout the weekend, just to see if the line got darker.They were definitely getting darker.

I went in Monday for beta#2, and the results were as follows: my HCG actually rose to 89, and progesterone to 39. In order for them to consider my HCG level "healthy," they wanted it to rise at least 60%, which would have been 95.

I will go back again Friday for blood work so that we can rule out ectopic. After that, I guess we just wait. I have been taking tests each morning and the line is getting lighter, so I think my levels are dropping pretty quickly on my own.


I am sad and confused. It's okay though. Obviously this wasn't supposed to be. It still sucks, but it will be okay. We will be okay. We just have to keep moving forward. IVF is probably delayed now because of this, which is probably good. I was kind of thinking of taking a few months off anyway, so maybe this is my sign to do so.

And hey, now you can say you know someone that actually did have their period when they really were pregnant. How many people can say that?! :)

Thank you all for always being here for me.

IVF Consult

I cannot believe I have a blog entry with this title. I never, ever, ever imagined us being to this point. When we first started trying to get pregnant, I read tons and tons of boards and blogs, and would always see people post about IVF. I would skip those posts, because I didn't think it would ever apply to me. It makes me so sad that we have come to IVF, yet so happy and grateful that we have this as an option. There is a lot of information below, which I am mainly typing out for my own reference. All this to say, we still have to decide if this is for us. It's a lot to take in, and to be honest, I'm scared of it- the whole process, the meds, and the chance of failure. If we decide to move forward, I just so hope and pray that this is what is finally going to give us our take home baby.

 

The Consult

The whole process takes about 6-8 weeks. On day 1 of my next period, I will start taking birth control pills (bcp), and will continue these for 3-4 weeks. During the last 12 days of the bcp, I will begin the injection Lupron in my tummy. After the 12 days are done, I stop taking the bcp, and should have a period. They will reduce my Lupron injection by 1/2, and begin me on a very high dose of the Follistim injection (also given in tummy). I will be monitored by blood work and ultrasound every day for 9-10 days. Dr. P likes to see around 15 eggs at retrieval, so if we are on track, we would trigger and 34 hours later go in for them to remove my eggs. This is a surgery and I am put under anesthesia. Within 5 hours of retrieving the eggs, they fertilize them with T's swimmers, and begin watching them. Depending on how they are looking, we will transfer two embryos to my uterus on either Day 3 or Day 5, then we wait to see if they implant. During this waiting period, there is another injection that T will have to give me in my butt. If there are any embryos left, we can freeze them to use at a later date. 

What could go wrong:

-Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS)- Normally, a woman produces one egg per month. Some women who have trouble getting pregnant may be given medicines to help them make more eggs. If these medicines stimulate the ovaries too much, the ovaries can become very swollen. Fluid can leak into the belly and chest area. This is called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). OHSS occurs only after the eggs are released from the ovary (ovulation). Source

Outcome: Eggs would be harvested, but not transmitted back to the uterus until a later cycle, once the OHSS has cleared. 

-Produce Too Few Eggs

Outcome: Cycle cancelled or possibly converted to IUI

Spotting Update

We met with Dr. P today to discuss IVF- more on that later. I started our discussion by asking him about my spotting. He said the same thing they told me yesterday; that he thinks it is ovulation spotting. I told him that I really did not think that was what it was, so he suggested we do an ultrasound to see what was going on. The ultrasound revealed the biggest follicle I have ever seen on my right ovary (26mm), and a decent size one on my left. I asked if the large follicle could be a cyst, and he said because of it's very pretty circular shape, he does not think so. The problem is, my lining is only 6.8mm, and with a follicle that big, it should be around 8mm, so he thinks it's maybe a bad egg. He still didn't have an explanation for the spotting, but said he is not concerned about it. I will be having a hysteroscopy, where the uterus is filled with a fluid, such as saline and a hysteroscope is inserted through the cervix into the uterus so the inner surface of the uterus can be examined. sometime over the next few weeks in preparation for IVF (if we decide to move forward), so that should tell us if there are any issues in the uterus that we should look into.

Okay, back to not thinking/caring/worrying about this cycle. Cheers.

Source

So much for a care free cycle!

Here I was, all enjoying this cycle and not worrying about a thing. I've been reading my IVF book and preparing questions for Dr. P for our IVF consultation tomorrow. Last night, on CD10, I noticed some very, very light spotting. I thought it was weird, since I have NEVER experienced mid-cycle bleeding, but it was so light I figured it could be anything and forgot about it. But nope. Woke up this morning to major spotting. Not bright red, but reddish brown. It's now tapering off and is next to nothing again. I immediately turn to Dr. Google after leaving a message for the nurse, and turns out this is pretty common. There are lots of causes: cysts, ovulation spotting, and a ton of other random things. I never ovulate this early (and rarely ovulate on my own anyway), so there is no way it's that. Of course, this is the one freaking cycle that I don't get monitored, so there is really no way to know what the heck is going on. I'm thinking I had a cyst that ruptured, but who knows. The nurse did call back and say that she asked Dr. P about it, and his answer was that it can happen around ovulation due to the change in hormones, and it isn't anything to worry about since there is no pain involved. I am not buying it, but am glad it's not a cause for concern. I guess I'll try to go back to my care free cycle.

In other news, I had planned on not sticking to my diet this month and eating whatever the heck I wanted. Horrible idea. I tried that last week. After 4 days of Thanksgiving food, I went to Chick Fil A and for the first time in 6 months had nuggets and fries. The combination of those things has made my face and back break out like I'm 12, made me so tired, and in general just feel like complete crap. So back on the diet it is. I am, however, skipping acupuncture this month. I might pick it back up when we start the IVF cycle, but we'll see.

I'll post details of our IVF consultation after our meeting tomorrow.

We WERE Pregnant?

These past two weeks have been pretty typical as far as my symptoms go. I've had a few things happen that were making me think I was pregnant, but everything mostly started fading this week, which is pretty normal when I am about to start my period. I had written this cycle off, and started getting excited about taking next cycle off, eating whatever I wanted, and enjoying holiday cocktails.

I told myself from the beginning that I would not test until Friday, November 16th. All week I was dreading this morning. I just did not want to see another blank, negative test. I have been praying that I would just start my period early so that I wouldn't have to see a negative test. It makes me sick to think about how many negative tests I have seen, and every time, it's just as hard.

So this morning, I tested. I peed on the stick and watched the control line turn super dark, and nothing showed up on the test line. Negative test, again. I went ahead and got ready for work, and about 10 minutes later, came back to throw the test away, and there was another line. It was soooo super faint, but it was definitely there. I immediately knew that it had to be the booster shot still in my system. I called my doctor, and went ahead and went in for blood work. All the nurses were so excited, following me around and listening to me talk. I kept telling them that there was nothing to be excited about, this is clearly not real. They understood, and agreed that this wasn't exactly promising, but I think they were just glad that I wasn't in there bawling my eyes out like I normally am!

I was right. Beta came back at 7 (5 or higher is considered pregnant), but we wanted to see it at least at 30 to consider it real. I even started bleeding today waiting for the nurse to call back with the results. It's hard to tell if the positive test was the booster shot still in my system, or if we did actually get pregnant, but it stopped developing. I tend to believe we got pregnant, just because of the symptoms I was having, but I guess we will never really know. Somehow, I am surprisingly okay with all of this. I guess at some point you get used to the failure... it becomes the norm.

I'm really ready to move on to IVF. I feel like it's a whole new chapter. I've already ordered a book so I can start learning about the process, because right now I know nothing. But more than anything, I'm ready for a break. No doctor's appointments or peeing on things. A true break. I'm ready to enjoy time with my boo, my family, friends and relax during the most wonderful time of the year.

This feels appropriate today

Source

Holy poo, or not

This post is way TMI, but I don't care. I don't know if it's the progesterone, hormones, or just some kind of evil karma trick, but I cannot go potty. My stomach is so bloated. I look 87 months pregnant. And it HURTS. It makes me want to cry. I seriously thought I needed to go to the hospital last night (okay maybe I was being a tad dramatic). The pressure is getting better, but it's still not where it should be. It makes me want to go eat the greasiest cheeseburger and french fries ever (mmm that sounds so good), but I will refrain from doing that. If you see me downing gallons of prune juice, now you will know why.

Happy Weekend,

Leibster Blog Award!

Thank you, Julia at http://intunewithmyautoimmune.wordpress.com/ for nominating me for a Leibster Blog Award! This award is granted to up-and-coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers who deserve some recognition and support to keep on blogging. Like my nominator, this is my first blog nomination. I hope everyone gets to know me a little better from this. 

Liebster is german for "Favorite," so this is award of the favorite blog award. 

The instructions are:

1) to answer the 11 questions written by your nominator. 2) to nominate 11 other bloggers who have less than 200 followers. 3) to write 11 of your own questions for each nominee to answer. (I don't think I have 11 people to nominate, but I'll participate in answering the questions, and nominate a few!)

1. What song has impacted you the most?

This will sound strange, but lately I have loved Jason Mraz's song I Won't Give Up. This song touches me in so many ways.  It starts with my love for my husband, and how I will never give up on us, but it goes further into this fertility battle. It's me saying that I won't give up on this until I literally can't move any more. Giving up is not an option for me, or for us. 

2. Describe your best friend.

Handsome. Goofy. Loving. Driven. Passionate. Athletic. Fun. Silly. Great Friend. Thoughtful. Caring. Stylish. Smart. Good Listener. Tidy. Sexy. Strong. And so much more. 

We could have fun in a cardboard box. These are the reasons I married him.

3. How did you meet your spouse?

Well, the short story? In a bar. But I have to tell the long story too. It was really mutual friends that brought us together, it just so happened to be at a bar. Terry Myspaced me after we met, and asked for my number. I guess the rest is history. 

4. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?

I'm a beach/ocean person. I want to go to Bora Bora and stay on a little hut on the ocean. For a long time. 

5. How many times have you cried this past year and why?

I can't count them, but I can say that 99% of the cries have been related to our journey. Miscarriages, cancelled cycles, no answers, failed cycles, fear of what may never be.... I imagine the other 1% of cries came from the hormones related to all of those things!

6. What are you most thankful for this time of year?

Our families, dogs, and friends. We are so lucky. Both of our families live very close to us. My parents and sister live like 7 minutes from us, which is so wonderful. My sister is one of my best friends and she lived so far away for college and grad school. I love that she is just down the street now. I am very close with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I get to see them all the time. Terry's parents live 3 houses down from us, which works out great. I am just so thankful that my family is close. 

I also can't imagine life without my friends. I have a group of girls I graduated high school with that (for the most part) ended up marrying a bunch of boys from Mesquite. It works out so wonderful because when we all get together, all the boys are friends already so they do their thing and us girls do ours! I have an amazing friend from college who I am so thankful that I met and that we did not lose touch. I have a friend from my first job after college that is one of my favorite happy hour buddies. I have friends that I met through Terry, and some that I knew many years ago and they have came back into my life again. I also have my friends at work, that probably know more than they ever wanted to about me, but they like me anyway. :) i've been blessed with so many friends, and I am so very thankful for that. 

7. Why did you choose to blog and do you share your blog on Facebook?

A friend posted a blog (Amanda at teamholdbrook.blogspot.com). I had no idea what journey her and her husband had been on until I read her blog. It helped me so incredibly much to read her story, that I figured if I could help just one person the way she helped me, then it would be worth it. My blog is not on Facebook. I have a lot of Facebook friends that I am not really "friends" with. I am not ready for all of them to know the intimate details of my life. I would rather my blog circulate by word of mouth. I want to share our story, just not on Facebook.

8. How has blogging helped you?

I never knew how much this would help. It helps me get my feelings out. It helps my friends to know what's going on without feeling like they are bugging me (which you aren't!). It's also a journal. I like to look back at where I was in certain cycles, so this helps me keep track. 

9. If you could change it all, would you?

Wow. I have never really thought about this. This one took me a minute to answer, but after thinking about it, I would not change anything about the journey we are on. Don't get me wrong, it has not been easy and I don't wish it on anyone else. But this journey has changed who we are. It has strengthened our relationship and made us more of a team than I ever thought we could be. It has changed our relationship with God, and it has opened up my eyes to a world I did not even know existed. I have learned more about how your body works then I ever would have known had we not been through this, and I am so thankful for that.

10. Do you watch reality television and what are your favorite shows?

I used to love reality tv, but I haven't been watching much tv lately. I do love the Bachelor and American Idol. And Mad Men. and SNL. 

11. If you could share one thing about infertlity, what would it be?

You have to stand up for yourself and be your own advocate, because no one else is going to do it for you. You have to ask questions, question answers, and take notes about everything. You have to choose to trust your doctor, and if you don't trust them, find a new doctor you can trust. You can get a million opinions from friends, Dr. Google, or a random person you meet at a wedding. And you can drive yourself crazy listening to all of those opinions. I have learned to listen to those opinions, but in the end, I trust what my doctor says. And last but not least, you can NEVER GIVE UP. You have to pick yourself back up after the hard times and keep pressing forward. You have to stay strong, for your family. 

Now the next step is to choose eleven blogs that have impacted me and ask them eleven questions. I only have 4, if I don't count the person that nominated me. It won't hurt my feelings if you don't participate, but I thought this was fun. I hope you will consider passing along the blogger love.

Nominees:

teamholdbrook.blogspot.com

http://onepercentchance.wordpress.com/

http://mybumovaries.blogspot.com/

http://intunewithmyautoimmune.wordpress.com/

http://www.fromiftowhen.com/

1. What's been your biggest influence?

2. Why did you start your blog?

3. What have you learned on your fertility journey? 

4. What is your favorite thing about your spouse? 

5. What's the last thing you do before you go to bed?

6. What is your favorite non-blog website?

7. What is your favorite quote or saying?

8. If you could change it all, would you? (I had to repeat it!)

9. If you could find out one celebrity was following your blog, who would you want it to be?

10. If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be?

11. What is one thing you would want people to say about you behind your back?

Sticky Shot

I got the sticky shot today. I also elected to NOT schedule a beta (blood pregnancy test) this time. It was so awful last time having to go in, even though I had already started my period, so I decided if I feel like I need to go in, or if I get a positive HPT next weekend, then I'll call. I also talked briefly to the nurse about next cycle, if there is one (trying to stay positive, but I still have to plan!). I know that IVF is our next step, but I didn't really know when. I assumed that we would need to wait a few cycles before starting that. But nope. We can start next cycle. We would need to schedule a consult with Dr. P for next week so we can be prepared to start if my period comes. So it's really up to us. T & I will have to talk about it and decide what's best. But fingers crossed that it won't matter.

IUI #2... Done!

IUI #2 is done. Whew!

While we were in the waiting room, Terry and I were talking about what they did with the sperm before they put it in me. Dr. P came out a little later and told us to come back to give the "guys" a pep talk. He let us look under the microscope to see the sperm. Sperm don't swim in a straight line... they swim all zig-zaggy and they dart around like they are lost. It was so weird/cool to see this. We also learned we have a massive sperm count we are working with... somewhere between 50-80 million with 40% motility (Dr. P said they like to see 30-40 million, 20% motility). Go. Superman. Swimmers. 

Dr. P did our procedure this time (nurses did it last time). It didn't hurt at all. Terry and I were a lot less serious this time around. We joked about playing a little Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On while Dr. P had the catheter in me shooting the sperm up. You know, just in case the sperm could hear, they would be all romanticized and hopefully try really hard to get where they need to be. We were just more relaxed, I guess because we knew what we were getting in to.

The greatest part about this IUI, SO FAR: my new insurance. Last IUI, the meds and procedures cost us around $2,450, all out of pocket. This one cost us $65. I am so thankful for this change.

So now we wait.  I will go back Tuesday for the booster HCG shot (basically tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant so it starts kicking into gear to support a pregnancy, just in case there is one). I'll start progesterone Tuesday as well. I'm going to try really hard to stay positive for the next two weeks. It won't be easy based on my history, but I am really going to try.

Triggered Today

We triggered today, and are scheduled for IUI #2 tomorrow at noon. Here's what we looked like today:

 

Lining: 8.5mm

Left: 2 mature follicles- 18.1mm, 16.1mm

Right: 2 mature follicles- 17.8mm, 16.4mm

 

Dr. P gave me 100 more units of Follistim while I was there this morning (in addition to the 50 units I had given myself before my appointment), in hopes that those 2 16s will grow just a little more before ovulation. Since we triggered at 9:30 this morning, ovulation will likely take place in 36 hours, or around 9:30pm tomorrow night. 

I have had a really positive feeling about this cycle, probably just because it's been so long since my body did what it was supposed to do. High five, Ovaries! :)

AMH Test, Round 3

Dr. P wanted to test my AMH level one more time, just to see if it had changed. As a reminder, your AMH level can be tested (by blood test) on any day of your cycle, and the results are thought to reflect the size of the remaining egg supply, or "ovarian reserve". My first AMH test came back at .8, which by the chart below is low. The second level came back at 1.2, and this month's came back at 1.4. I think this is good news, indicating that I do not have a low egg count like we once thought. This does not tell us anything about egg quality, which we think is the main reason we can't get/stay pregnant. But vitamins, diet, and acupuncture can help with this, and I am doing all of those things. I've also cut out alcohol again. The only way to truly tell egg quality is by doing IVF, because they remove the eggs and send them to a lab for examination. If this IUI fails, we will be moving on to IVF, so there may be more to learn about that later. But for now, I am happy with these results!

Interpretation	AMH Blood Level
High (often PCOS)	Over 3.0 ng/ml
Normal	Over 1.0 ng/ml
Low Normal Range	0.7 - 0.9 ng/ml
Low	0.3 - 0.6 ng/ml
Very Low	Less than 0.3 ng/ml

Keeping on...

Another good appointment today! I head back on Friday!

Lining: 7.8mm

Left: 5 follicles- 14.5mm, 2 12mm, 2 11mm

Right: 2 follicles, both 13mm

E2: 913 (nice and high!)

Here is where I was this time last IUI cycle... still moving a little faster than I did last time. If things keep progressing as they are, we will likely trigger on Saturday and IUI on Monday. Keep it up, little guys!

Keep on keepin on...

Keep is a funny word. Say it a few times in your head... it starts to sound really weird. Anyway...

 

Things are looking good based on my sonogram and blood work today. I had 6 or 7 follicles measuring 10-11mm, which is great, and my lining was at 7.5mm (also great). My E2 level came back at 354, which the nurse said was high, but a good high. We are keeping all dosages the same, and I head back on Wednesday to see how we're doing. While my last IUI cycle's protocol was a little different (dosages were different), you can see here where I was at the same time in my cycle. I don't know that comparing cycles is all that reliable, but this one seems to be moving along a little faster than last time. Let's hope different means GOOD!!!

Forward March...

Today is CD1. My baseline sonogram was good today... no cysts. My E2 level came back at 33, which they want it less than 50, so we are good there too. My protocol is as follows:

Lupron Microdose- 20 units in morning and night, starting today

Follistim- 50 units in the morning and night, starting Friday

IUI #2, if my body cooperates.

That's 4 injections per day. Yikes. 

I go back to the doctor on Monday to see what my little guys are doing. Hoping, praying, and crossing everything that we get a good egg (or two!). 

I follow a lot of blogs, mostly people I don't know, but I have read some very good stories over the last few weeks. Stories of people like us that finally get pregnant, some even against all odds. Miracles do happen, we just have to wait our turn for ours. 

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

 

Today marks a day that many women will relate to. Some choose to go public with their loss, and some do not. The fact of the matter is 15-20% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. This fact makes my heart hurt. The saddest part about this is that we, as the human race, do not openly discuss these losses. People keep their miscarriages and infertility quiet, as if the feelings and sadness might just disappear one day. I know that I feel ashamed sometimes, like I have some incurable disease, and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I imagine these feelings are similar across the board. 

Today, my candle burns for the babies we have lost. Halloween will be the anniversary of my first miscarriage. While remembering the last year, I have to find peace in the good times, too. The times I was calculating due dates, and planning how we were going share our news. How I was already convinced I knew the sex of my babies, and how I envisioned their lives. Thinking of baby names, and what they will call their grandparents and aunts. This was the fun part. And these things are what keep me going.

I focus on miscarriage for this post because it is the only thing I have experienced, but I do not want to ignore the infant loss. There are people in my life who have lost a child, and it's heartbreaking. My candle is lit for them, too.

My prayers continue daily for every single person that is in this battle. No matter what the outcome, we will win.

Today's visit with Dr. P

Our meeting with Dr. P today went well. We addressed all the concerns we had. I've summarized everything below. 

1. We want the same nurse every time. Nurses measure differently, and it's really frustrating to have to continue to explain where we are in the cycle, what we have done in the past, etc. Dr. P agreed and said we will have the same nurse going forward. 

2. Dr. P definitely thinks my issue is low egg count/ poor egg quality. We will be doing the AMH/FSH/Estradiol blood test one more time next cycle just to confirm this. This is something that is hereditary, so there is nothing I could have done to change it.

3. I am to start progesterone today for 7 days to bring on my period. 

4. He told a story about another one of his patients who has a very similar story to mine. She did one IUI a few months ago and it failed. She did another IUI last month, and had 5 mature follicles. She decided to proceed with the IUI, even with Dr. P advising of the risk that all 5 could fertilize. She figured she had tried for so long to get pregnant and already had one failed IUI, that the odds of all 5 fertilizing were practically zero (which I can totally see). But she was wrong. She is now pregnant with 5 babies. She has some really tough decisions to face. The point of this is there is hope, but you have to be careful and understand the risks of going through fertility treatments.

5. Most Importantly, The Plan: We are doing an IUI next cycle, assuming my body cooperates. If it fails, we move on to IVF. I ordered my meds today. Let's get this show on the road.

The journey continues...

My appointment yesterday did not go well. There was very minimal growth on the larger follicle, and it was determined, for the 2nd month in a row, I will not ovulate. I don't know why I had high expectations; I guess I thought that all the vitamins and acupuncture would help regulate everything, and I really thought that I was going to ovulate on my own this time.

The nurse says the plan for next month is another injectible cycle with an IUI. I should be excited. This is what I have wanted. Yet I am not. I don't WANT to do this. I don't WANT to give myself a shot in the stomach 3 times a day. I don't WANT to go to the doctor every other day for them to take blood and check my follicles. I don't WANT to have to do the IUI again. It hurt. I don't WANT to go through the 2 weeks of symptoms, and I don't WANT another BFN. I am tired of the acupuncture and the vitamins. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster that I put myself through and that T has to go through. I WANT this to be easy, like it is for almost everyone else around me. In a recent post, I said that I was letting go of all the stress, worry, and fear. And I have done that, to an extent. Now, it's just draining me to think about doing this again. I want to throw in the towel. But I keep going back to my very first post, and what I have told myself from day 1... and that is, WE WILL NEVER GIVE UP.

At this time I am not sure what we will do next cycle. I will be making an appointment for us to meet with our doctor next week. We have a few concerns and I want some answers on a few things. One of the obvious, main things is, I feel like we have 3 problems. 1- I am not ovulating. 2- When I do ovulate, we can't get pregnant. 3- When I do get pregnant, I lose it before 6 weeks. There HAS to be something causing all of this, and it can't be that hard to figure out, right?

I'll keep you posted on the outcome of our meeting. In the meantime, hug your babies for me. They are a true blessing that so many people struggle for, and may never get to experience.

CD 13

Just a quick update... I finally started my period on 9/19, making today CD 13. We got back from Maui on Friday (which was AMAZING), so I went to the doctor today to see if anything was going on. I have two 10mm follicles on the right, and one 12mm on the left. Lining is at 8mm, so all looks good for now. I go back Thursday to see what is happening.

Still Waiting

Just wanted to give an update... still waiting to start my period. I had expected to start on Monday, but as we all know, things never go as expected. I am now on day 32 of my cycle. Since we leave for Maui next Thursday (woo hoo!), we will do a natural cycle again and hope for another IUI in October/ November. 

On a separate note, happy 4 year anniversary to my boo. You are my everything, and I couldn't imagine life without you. I love you.

Happy Two Year Anniversary, TTC!

This month marks our two year anniversary of getting off of birth control. And it marks the one year anniversary of the cycle I got my first positive pregnancy test. It is crazy for me to think back at the last two years and how much has happened... it's even crazier to think that the majority of the activity has happened in the last year. I think about all the pain, tears, and anxiety I have had... and then it hit me how grateful I am for those two years, with it just being us. While I would give almost anything for a baby to be in our lives, I know that there are reasons we don't have one yet. I don't know why, but here is what I do know. We have gone on multiple vacations. We have remodeled our house (and still have more to do!). We go shopping, and buy a ridiculous amount of things that we do not need. We spend Saturdays having a few beers and just hanging out. We pick up and go whenever, wherever we want. We are completely free (other than our dogs). None of these things would be possible with a baby; well, they might be possible, but much harder to figure out, and probably a lot different. So, in the end, two years is a super long time to wait for something that you really want, but in the grand scheme of things, for us, it has been a blessing. We have built our relationship, and are more of a team than I ever imagined we could be. We are making our home stronger to house a family. We are traveling and building memories that we might not be able to experience again, or at least for a while. It may very well be two more years before we have a family, but I am making a vow and promise now, at our two year TTC anniversary: I will not live my life in two week increments anymore. I will not skip out on planning a weekend get away because I am worried that I might be pregnant at that time. I will worry less, and enjoy more.

So happy anniversary, TTC. Here's to hope that the third year is the charm. ;)

No Ovulation, Take 2

Well, my doctor's appointment today went as I had expected it to. We're pretty sure I didn't ovulate this month. And even if I did, my lining is so thin that nothing would be able to stick. The reason we aren't certain about ovulation is because of those cysts- it's just too hard to distinguish them from follicles. So I'll wait to start my period and call them when that happens to decide what we will do next round.

When I initially wrote this post, I was actually kind of happy about this news because we leave for Hawaii in three weeks and while I would have been SO happy to be pregnant, I am glad I can drink and have fun instead of being worried about being pregnant. But instead of posting right away, I saved it as a draft and decided to come back to it a little later. My feelings have completely changed about it all. I'm sad and frustrated, all over again. My heart hurts, all over again. I have a sick feeling that is so deep within myself, I don't know how to try to make it better. I think most of it is the fear that this will never happen, and it's all my fault. I really don't have any other words right now.

I just don't get it. And I know I never will.

Insurance Blessing!

We have had an awesome turn of events in the insurance department! Right now, I am on a high deductible health plan, and while it did cover the diagnostic part of our testing, it covers ZERO infertility treatments. So almost everything we have done, we have paid out of pocket. And everything we have left to do, we would pay out of pocket. Well, Terry's company was bought out by a company based in Illinois, and their insurance is through BCBS Illinois. IL law is different than TX law when it comes to coverage for infertility treatments: IL requires companies to cover it. SO, after hours of research, discussions with HR and my doctor's insurance person, etc... I am switching to Terry's plan. While it doesn't cover treatment 100%, it does pay 90% after we meet our deductible, and we pay 10%. And it even covers IVF, if we ever have to get that far. Just a tiny example of the money we will save: one vial of Follistim without insurance costs $291, and I used three vials last cycle. So we spent $873 on just the medicine alone. That doesn't include any of the doctor's visits or IUI. On my new plan, since fertility treatment is covered, I will pay a $30 copay per vial, so $90. Wow. Blessing.

You have no idea how much weight this lifts off of me. As if it isn't stressful enough to go through this, it makes things a zillion times worse when you have to spend the equivalent of a brand new Mercedes on your doctors visits. OK, that might be exaggeration, but it does cost a lot, and it's stressful. This is such a great relief.

Things I am thankful for: Answered prayers.

My Husband

I don't talk about him a lot in this blog, mainly because I am normally writing about my feelings and experiences. Not that he isn't a huge part of those, but I don't focus on anything outside of myself. But I needed to take a minute and talk about him. I am not one to brag or try to make someone they are not, and that is not the intention of this post. I wanted to share this so that I don't forget how lucky I am to be on this journey with him.

When T proposed, he had a long speech he gave me, and there are only a few parts of it that I remember clear as day. One thing he said was that he wanted to build a family with me, that is, if we were lucky enough to have children. He actually said that. I remember thinking at the time, that's weird. Of course we will have children. Little did I know what was ahead...

T has always been there for me. Through the crying fits after BFNs, through the analyzing of my symptoms, through the miscarriages, the failed treatments, through it all. This takes a toll on him just like it does on me. But he doesn't let me know that. He stays so strong for us, and always lets me know that no matter what, it's all going to be okay. He's made me dinners, drank wine with me, got me ice cream, brought me flowers and cards, and held me while I've cried... he's done so much to make my days better.

When I got home the day I found out the IUI didn't work, I was a basketcase. I had cried all day on the drop of a dime. I walked in the door to flowers, a card, two bottles of wine (one of which was a very fancy bottle that we got as a Christmas gift- we had been waiting for a special occasion to open it), and dinner started. These are the kinds of things that my husband does. And it makes me thank God every single day that T loves me. If I have to be on this journey, I couldn't even imagine it with anyone else except T. Love you boo.
 

Things I am thankful for: My husband.
 

IUI #1- FAILED

I am writing this from a place I had no idea existed. It's a place of sadness, worry, anger, tears, heartache, exhaustion, and fear. I cried myself to sleep last night. I cried all the way to the doctor's office today. I cried at the doctor's office. I cried when I left, and I am crying now. When will it ever stop? How much hope is someone supposed to continue to have? How long do you go before giving up? Why me? What did I do? What didn't I do? Will it ever happen for us? This isn't supposed to be this hard. Why can't I make T a father? Why can't I be a Mommy? These questions never end in my mind. And the worst part is, I have no idea what the answers are. I understand that God has a plan for us, and I trust that, but I can't help these questions from entering my mind.

Like I said in my last post, I knew I wasn't pregnant. But there was always that stupid word: hope. It gets me every time. All the stars had aligned: I had perfect lining, 4 great eggs, plenty of superman swimmers, we put them right where they needed to be. And not one made it. My beta was scheduled for this morning. Last week, I played out all the situations in my head. I played out the one where I show up this morning, give them my blood, and they call me this afternoon to say Congrats. I played the opposite where they told me nope, sorry, you're not pregnant. What I didn't play out was waking up this morning, having started my period, and instead of doing bloodwork, I have to explain to the front desk that I no longer need a pregnancy test done because I am clearly not pregnant, but that I need a sonogram done instead (to check for cysts and be cleared for a 2nd IUI this cycle). Then, only to have the sonogram done, finding two cysts, and therefore screwing us out of our chances for a 2nd IUI, or any medication for that matter. So we are forced into another natural cycle, which have worked so well in the past (sarcasm). And can you even get pregnant with cysts? I am sure that answer is no. We have to do a natural cycle in September as well because we are going to Hawaii and won't be able to go the doctor that whole week we are gone. So we will plan for IUI #2 in October. I will continue acupuncture and praying for direction and strength to continue moving forward and not give up.

Things I'm Thankful For: My husband, who no matter what mood swings I have, or crying tantrums I throw, is always there for me, hugging me and telling me that no matter what happens, we will be okay. My family, who continues to pray for us. My friends, who check in on me and have no idea how much that means. My puppies, who are my children, and will never know how much I love them and how much they make me laugh when I need it most.

Trying To Stay Positive

I just have to write this to make myself feel better, so I'll apologize now. I'm feeling a bit down, mainly because I am feeling completely normal. You are not supposed to rely on symptoms to try to judge if you're preggo or not, but I have always been a symptom spotter. Every little twinge or pain I feel, I categorize it as a pregnancy symptom or not. I should know by now that I shouldn't do that... the three times I have been pregnant, the symptoms were different each time. The first time my boobs were going to fall off  from about 3 DPO until we miscarried. The second time my boobs were tender, but not as bad as the first time, and I had horrible heart burn and was so nauseous. The last time, I didn't have any symptoms at all besides my normal PMS symptoms.

Since last week, I have had some major mood swings, and my boobs have been hurting since 1 DPO. This is a good thing, likely indicating a strong ovulation and therefore triggering a quick rise in progesterone (which is what causes a lot of your regular PMS symptoms). Of course, if you ovulate 4 mature eggs, I would expect that! :)

I am trying to stay positive, as it's still early to really feel or know anything yet, but I've always known when I was pregnant, and right now, I don't feel that way. :(

On a completely separate note, I added two tabs at the top... a timeline of our TTC history, and a glossary of all the acronyms I use. Hope it helps!

IUI... check!

We are done with our first IUI. I have to say, I sure hope it was the last. I did a lot of research about what it would feel like, would it hurt, what do they do, etc. I went into the IUI thinking it wouldn't hurt a bit and would be super easy. Well, I must be one of the randoms that doesn't get so lucky. It hurt. I kept thinking that labor is probably a million gagillion times worse than this and I need to suck it up, so of course I did. And Terry was right by my side, being amazing as always, which made things so much better. It's not like it was unbearable, but it did hurt. BUT I will take on any pain at this point to get to our goal. All the injections in my tummy, the shots in my hip, the ultrasounds, the IUI pain, not to mention the money... I don't care. It WILL be worth it.

So the plan for now is: I had acupuncture today, and was told to eat pineapples for the next 10 days as it's supposed to help with implantation. I also go back to the doctor on Friday for the "sticky" shot. It's a micro dose of hCG, which tricks your body into thinking your pregnant early, so it helps produce more of the good hormones that you need to support a pregnancy. After that, we wait!

Triggered and Ready To GO!

I'm so happy. and scared. and excited. and nervous.... the list goes on. My appointment today was great. I have 4 mature follicles, so they gave me the trigger shot. But not before we had the "multiples" talk. They warned me that there could be 4 babies if they all fertilize. For some reason, I am just not worried about it. We have had 2 good eggs before and we didn't get pregnant, so I think (hope) we are safe. Please don't make me eat those words!!!

Tomorrow we will be going for our first (and hopefully last!) IUI (Intrauterine insemination). I have so many emotions right now. I am so afraid that it won't work at all... Scared that it will work and we end up with 4 babies, which will put us in a whole new category of decisions to face.... Nervous that we end up with twins or triplets. Terrified that it works and then we lose it like we have in the past. I am also excited and thankful that we have a chance again. My prayers right now are that we stay strong no matter what the outcome is. If you have an extra prayer to say, please say that one for us too.

Still Growing! Slowly, But Growing!

Today's appointment was more of the same, which I will take! I had 1 12mm and 1 15mm on my right ovary, and 2 15mm on my left ovary. I'm a little frustrated with the measurement of my lining though. Today it came back at 7.8mm. Granted it was a different nurse measuring, and she said that 7.8mm is great, I am still a little confused. I wish they would just give me the same nurse through the whole cycle, because each nurse measures differently, but oh well. Why am I complaining when this is all good news?! My E2 level was 649, and I go back on Monday, hopefully ready for that trigger shot!! I should be, as it looks like my follies are growing about 1.5-2mm per day, so by Monday, they should be around 19-21mm. Fingers and toes are crossed!!!

...And We're Growing!!

More good news! We're still growing! You can see on the screen below, I have 4 follicles around 12-13mm and 2 around 10mm, and my lining is measuring 10.6mm (considering they like to see at least 7.5mm by ovulation, this one deserves a big WOO HOO!). My E2 level came back at 432- the nurse said that was great. I go back on Friday and am hoping for the trigger shot (triggering ovulation of all mature follicles) on Sunday or Monday! I know how quickly things can turn for the worse, but for now, I am so excited and happy!

Also, I spoke too soon in my previous post about no bruising from my injections. Yesterday morning the bruising started. And right during swimsuit season?! It WILL be worth it. :)

Keep On Growing!!!

My sonogram and lab work today went well. I have lots of follicles growing, all around 9mm right now. The picture below shows the larger follicle measurements. The column to the right shows the follicle size in cm (so .90cm would be 9mm), and the endo line is my lining (so currently at 6.1mm). My E2 level came back at 134... the nurse told me this morning that she would expect it to be around 100, so this is great news! I go back Wednesday. Keep on growing little guys!

I took a picture of the injections I give myself each day, just to give you an idea of what it's like. My tummy has 14 little needle marks in it as of today, but thank goodness it doesn't bruise like some people I have seen. The injection on the left is the microdose lupron, which I draw into the needle and give myself twice a day (once in am, once in pm), and the pen (which is super simple to use- you just dial the dose and stick a needle on and you're done!) is the Follistim, which I do once per day (in the am).

Some Good News, Finally!

My baseline scan on Wednesday revealed NO cysts! Woo hoo! They also took blood to check my Estradiol (E2) level, which should be around 50 on day 1. It was 53, and she said that was good.  So the protocol begins as follows:

20 units Microdose Lupron in the morning and at night (this is an injection I give myself in my tummy)
75 units Follistim in the morning beginning day 3 (Friday 7/20) (also an injection I give myself in my tummy)
Return for a scan on Monday 7/23 to see how we are doing

Come on little follicles!! Grow big and strong for me! But only a few of you... we don't want too many to grow!

Cheers to next cycle...

The nurse told me at my last appointment that I should take a pregnancy test on Sunday, July 22. I am normally an "early tester" meaning I start testing way too early each month just in hopes of seeing two lines, and I usually test every day until my period comes. This month I haven't really even wanted to test (good side effects of the acupuncture ,maybe?). Like I have said in previous posts, I'm just so calm and at ease with everything right now.

Well, looks like I won't get to test at all this month. Spotting, cramping, and backache set in this afternoon... Seriously???!!! WTH! A little early! Am I upset?... Yes, of course. But I am excited to get back on track next cycle with the meds (pending no cysts). I will make an appointment tomorrow for some time this week to check for cysts, then once my cycle starts, we get to do injections again. I am also considering doing another natural cycle soon along with the acupuncture. Maybe in September since we plan to go to Hawaii for my 30th birthday.

Cheers until next post... And yes, I am raising my wine glass. After all this, I need a glass... Or bottle!!

Really, Facebook?

I jumped on Facebook this morning only to find the top 5 posts on my news feed as follows: 2 pregnancy announcements, one "OMG my water just broke" announcement (who does that?!), and 2 precious newborn pics. Can't Facebook just know how much these make me want to cry and hide them from me!?! Just kidding- I am super happy for those folks, but yet another reminder of what has been so hard for us to get!

Another hard part of this journey is baby names. Terry and I have had 4 names picked out for a long time... not many people know what they are, and all of them are really unique. Well, a girl I went to high school with named her baby girl my FAVORITE name. I have never even heard of anyone named this! Does that mean we can't use it now? No. But I still wanted our names to be very different and new. Oh well... we will keep on moving on...

Pity party over. :)

Tiny Happy Dance

My appointment today went really well! My sonogram indicated I ovulated on my own over the weekend (woo hoo), and my lining looked great at 8.3mm. We did our part :), so it's all in God's hands. I will start progesterone supplements on Wednesday, as well as dexamethasone. Dexamethasone is a steroid that slightly weakens your immune system to keep your body from trying to attack anything unfamiliar (i.e. a baby). It is sometimes given to people with multiple losses.

I am going to try to be positive about everything this round, but it's so hard to when you have been through so many months of negative results. I do feel like my acupuncture is really starting to calm my feelings though. I haven't felt much stress about all of this since I started it, which is very uncommon, so I hope that continues!

Cyst Is Gone?

I went to the RE on Tuesday to see if I had any activity going on inside, and also to see what was going on with the cyst. Good news is, it appears the cyst is gone. But the annoying and frustrating thing is, the one good follicle I have is in the exact same place as where the cyst was. So it's hard to tell if it is the cyst or a follicle. The nurse said that she really believes it is a follicle, because right above the follicle there was some gray matter, and she thinks that was the leftovers from the cyst. It's frustrating because I have a whole other ovary that the healthy follicle could have been on, and then we would know for sure that it was a follicle, but NOOOO. It has to be on the cyst side, in the same spot. Oh well. We are going with the fact that it's a follicle. It was measuring at 14.3mm (which is right where it should be at this point), so I scheduled an appointment to go back on Friday. Also, my lining was a smidge thin at 6.8mm, so I will be starting the estradoil (estrogen) patch tomorrow.

Quick lesson on follicles: A follicle is a fluid-filled sac on the ovary that (usually) contains a ripening egg. The follicle can release an egg at ovulation. (definition from www.babycenter.com) This part can vary by doctor, but most say that a follicle over 18mm is considered mature, and your body can release the egg on it's own, or your doctor can give you a trigger shot, which forces all mature follicles to release an egg.

I went back to the doctor today (Friday) and we hadn't grown much- only at 16.4mm now. But the good thing is that it's growing... And we're also convinced the cyst is gone! Yay! My lining looked good at 7.3mm. I go back Monday to do another sonogram to see if/ how much we've grown, and fingers crossed that I can get the trigger shot!!

My 1st Angel Baby

Today is a tough day. Our first baby would have been due today. In fact, when I told Terry I was pregnant that first time, I said "I have a great idea for July 4th next year... we can have a baby!" I know there are reasons that did not happen, but it's still hard. So, here is to seeing my angel one day.

Acupuncture? Okay, I'll try it...

Throughout this journey, I have done probably millions (slight exaggeration) of hours of research online. I've tried almost everything- drinking cough syrup, vitamins, eating pineapple core, not drinking alcohol or coffee, relaxing, working out, not working out, grapefruit juice... I've seriously tried a lot of stuff. But one thing that kept coming up in my research was acupuncture. To be honest, every time I read about it, I thought to myself "oh, I'll never have to get to that point." Well, here I am. So after checking with my insurance to see if they cover it, I decided to try it out. (Note- my insurance only covers a portion of it after I have met my deductible, but thankfully due to all the doctor's visits and testing, we have met it for the year.)

My RE referred me to a fertility acupuncturist, and my first appointment was two weeks ago. I was really nervous! The acupuncturist first off asked to look at my tongue (weird). She immediately told me I needed to change my diet. No more cheese, ice cream, red meat, caffeine, alcohol... all the good stuff. She said that my tongue indicated I had a very acidic pH level, and that is not a good thing. Her theory was that the high acidic pH level can cause your body to attack anything foreign (i.e. a baby), which could be the cause of the very early losses we have experienced. Do I buy into that? I am not really sure. But I can say that I do eat horrible and it's worth a shot to make the change, so I immediately started on the new diet, for the most part. I still have coffee when I need it, and wine also. And added bonus, in 1.5 weeks, I have lost 5 lbs. Yay! Anyway, she did the acupuncture and it was not bad at all. It was actually quite relaxing! When I went back for week two, she asked to look at my tongue again (weird) and she said that the change in my diet was already helping! I go back for appointment three later this week. I will continue to go weekly until she tells me otherwise. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

More to come...

A little (super long) back story...

I have to start this out by saying Thank You; to all my friends and family who have been here for me/ us through this journey. There is no way I could be here writing about this without your support. I feel like this may be therapeutic in some way. And who knows… maybe you or someone you know is going through the same thing, and it’s always nice to know you aren’t alone… trust me, I know.

A little (super long) back story...
Terry and I decided in September of 2010 that we were ready to start trying for a baby, so after a trip to Mexico for our anniversary, I stopped taking the pill. (Yay!) Months went by, and nothing was happening. For the first 6 months, we didn't really track anything; we just kind of did what we did. Then I decided to get a bit more aggressive, and I bought the ovulation predictors. I was so excited to see the smiley face every month, indicating I was ovulating! But still, nothing happened. So at my yearly doctor appointment in September 2011, I brought it up to my OB. He did some minor blood tests, and they indicated I was ovulating, but not "strong." So he prescribed me Clomid, which is a very common drug for people that are not ovulating. After my first round of clomid, I did a day 21 progesterone blood test to see whether or not I had actually ovulated (technology these days is AMAZING!). The doctors like to see the progesterone level above 10, but really 15 or higher is best. Mine came back at 10.8. So I did ovulate (YAY) but the number still wasn't ideal, and I was pretty skeptical that it had really worked. But 2 weeks later, on a Saturday morning, I wasn't feeling so hot, and I took a pregnancy test. HOLY CRAP! It was positive!!! We were so excited. It finally worked! I thought I would NEVER get to see a positive test! We decided to tell his parents on Sunday, and we would tell my parents that Thursday at a dinner we had already planned. We took pictures of the dogs in a pink and blue shirt that said "I am going to be a big brother/ sister." We gave one to Terry's parents on Sunday. They were so excited, and we couldn't have been happier. That Monday, I went to the doctor to have blood work done to confirm my hormone levels were okay. The results wouldn't be in until the following day, but I didn't care... I was PREGNANT! Monday afternoon, I started to cramp really bad at work. I went to the bathroom, and I had started to bleed. I immediately called my doctor and he told me to go pick up a prescription he had called in (progesterone pills) and to take it easy. But I knew what was happening.  I knew I was going to miscarry.  I was so mad at myself for being so naive...I knew it couldn't have been that easy. Tuesday morning the bleeding continued and I got the results of my blood work. My HCG was 37 (anything above 5 is considered pregnant but the number should have been much higher at that point) and my progesterone was a 7 (it needs to be much higher to support a pregnancy). So it was confirmed: we were losing the "baby". I was devastated. We were devastated. How could it be taken away so quickly? We had just found out, and now we were losing it. Those three days were some of the most emotional days I had experience to that point. It was probably preparing me for the emotional days to come.

After the bleeding stopped, we were told to wait one cycle and we could start trying again. So we waited. Or we tried to anyway. I guess we didn't do a good job, because 4 weeks later, I was feeling awful again. I took another pregnancy test, and HOLY CRAP AGAIN! Positive. OMG. We were much more cautious in being excited until we got blood work done. But I was much sicker this time around, so we were both convinced this was a good one and it was going to stick. Blood work confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, with an HCG of 306 (WHOA!), but a progesterone level of 7.3. I started on progesterone supplements immediately, and two days later went back for the second round of blood work. They want to see the HCG numbers double every 48 hours, so I knew what my number needed to be. Well, my HCG had dropped to 265, therefore we were going to miscarry... again. How could this happen twice in a row? Why? We were devastated... again. I started bleeding about 3 days later, and again, we were told to wait one cycle before trying again, and this time, we listened.

After we were cleared to go for it (January 2012), I did another round of clomid. My day 21 progesterone check came  back at 26.8, which is a great number! I just knew this was going to be it. They had me start on progesterone supplements a few days after ovulation, just in case. But two weeks later, my pregnancy tests were all negative, and I finally started. Another failed cycle. I was so upset. I called my OB and told them that I was tired of being reactive, and wanted to be proactive. He referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I made an appointment for the beginning of March. We decided to try clomid again while waiting to get into the RE, and I just knew I was going to be one of those people that was referred to an RE, but showed up there for my first visit and they say "surprise, you're pregnant!" That seems to always be the case... that is, for everyone else. That didn't happen for me. I did not get pregnant that round either.

My first appointment with the RE was so nerve wracking. I was so embarrassed to have to be there in that fertility clinic. (Warning- slight side track...)There are so many emotions you go through when you are experiencing this. It's even harder when all of your friends are getting pregnant, some were trying, and some weren't. You go to baby showers and have to pretend that you aren't crumbling inside because you can't have what they have. You might even go off to the bathroom to cry. You go to friendly get togethers and all anyone talks about is their kids, or the baby in their belly, or the cute thing that their baby did. I LOVE to hear these stories- don't get me wrong- but there is a point in a journey like this where you break, and it suddenly doesn't matter anymore who you are talking to, you just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I find myself mad at people at the grocery store that are shopping with their babies and kids, or when I see cars driving down the street with a car seat in the back, I start to wonder if that will ever be me. I know these all sound so silly to most people, but anyone that has been through this will understand. So friends- please forgive me if you have ever felt that I don't care- it is 100% not that, it's just that it's a hard place for me to be in. But just know that I try really hard to let those feelings go. And I would never want anyone to hide something from me for fear they may hurt my feelings. Anyway, back to my first RE appointment. They ordered a fertility workup (blood work) and told me about a few tests they were going to run. Throughout that next month, I had 13 tubes of blood taken, and a couple of tests done (including a sonohist to make sure nothing was wrong on my insides). Everything came back perfect. WTH? Then why has this been so hard?! I also did clomid again, but they upped my dosage. That cycle failed as well. But I was much more optimistic, because our RE was great, and he had a plan for us. And I like plans. ;)

The next month we did another round of clomid, and upped the dosage again. With an RE, they monitor you via sonogram to see what your follicles are doing.  I had a great response to the clomid this time- 2 large follicles! They gave me a trigger shot (which forces you to ovulate all mature follicles- so this time, 2!!). We went in 2 weeks later for blood work, and my HCG came back at a 7 (remember, above 5 is pregnant, but 7 is VERY low). I had to go back two days later for the follow up blood work, and it had dropped to 0. So now our third lost pregnancy. We were devastated... and frustrated, and sad, and mad... every emotion you can imagine. Mother's Day was coming up, which I was dreading. Of course I am so thankful for my Mom and all the Mothers in my life, but Mother's Day was just a blatant reminder that I was NOT a mother. And at this point, who knows if I will be. Is it in God's plan for us? We don't know. And that made Mother's Day even harder.
 
We decided to try clomid one more time. This time, I didn't respond at all. WTH. I had no growth of any follicles, and we had to cancel the cycle (meaning stop all treatments and wait until next cycle). Frustrated once again. Our RE decided it was time to move on to injectibles. I was VERY excited about this, because I knew that this was much more aggressive and I just knew that it would work. Despite a small cyst on my right ovary, I started the shots, but the sonogram revealed I did not respond. In fact, it appeared that the cyst was drinking up all the injections and not sharing with the follicles. So we had to cancel. Again. They gave me provera to start my period and that gets us almost to the present. We were supposed to be changing up my injections a little bit this round to Follistim (which is what I did last month) and adding Lupron to the mix. The problem with this protocol is you can produce too many eggs, but we will cross that bridge when we get there, which won't be this month either. A sonogram last week detected another cyst, and due to what happened last month, RE won't let us move forward with treatment this month. I am thankful for that, because I KNOW it's best, but it's so hard to be patient. Good news is we can try naturally this month, and they will monitor me via sonogram for activity. I am (of course) discouraged about this because I never really ovulated on my own before, but we will just have to see what happens.

I know that there are couples that have been doing this for so much longer than we have, and I truly feel for them. I pray every night for families going through this. The one thing that has kept us strong is our faith in God, and knowing that we can never, ever, ever give up. And we won't. 

More to come later.